Smothered
by 1000PaperUnicorns
Summary: "But as I stood in front of the bathroom sink, razor held to my arm, I realized I no longer knew what love was. SHE had stole that from me. Love had been scribbled out, replaced with a knife. At least I'll be feeling something..." T FOR ABUSE & RAPE.
1. Chapter 1

**SUMMERY**

_**Mrs. Diamond died nearly a year ago. James' dad remarried, and life seemed to carry on fine. Elaine was gorgeous and far more of a stepmother than the Diamonds' could've imagined...especially James. But in a way no one suspected. Ever. After a record of unusual suicidal attempts James finally decides to come clean. Then suddenly his best friend winds up on the news as a "victim of brutal murder", and he's forced to face unprecedented charges...that all point to him as the killer. Only, it's far deeper than anyone could've guessed...**_

**This is probably one of my deepest stories I've ever written. It does have rape, but not graphic. This is mostly about the effects a situation like this could have on a young boy. This derived from a study I did in sociology class. I have almost ten chapters of this already. Enjoy! Let me know what you think!**

**NOTE: This isn't really following the show. Basically this is based on the life they would've had if they'd never left Minnesota. This is mostly about James and Carlos. I may add the other characters in later. But I want to mostly focus on them.**

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James' POV

_"So what're you considering for a major?"_

_I knew she'd break that almost overwhelming silence. It made my heart jump in an odd way. Don't know why. Maybe it was her tone. She was passively trying to sneak in a conversation, yet the truth of it was she was skillfully narrowing the subject down to the real reason she so insisted on interrupting my studies. And quite honestly, I didn't give a shit. I could hardly admit she was intimidating, sometimes too observant, especially it seemed on me. And it was for that reason I tried to avoid her. Didn't work._

_I sighed with bleak enthusiasm and put down my pencil. Rubbing my forehead a few times to shake the headaches that so refused to rid my mind, I finally eyed her for a moment. God! It was almost as if she even found satisfaction in me looking at her. Like maybe it gave her pride a boost to know I thought she was beautiful. Never said I did. Rather a slut maybe, beautiful in a seductive way, but not the kind of beautiful you want to kiss. She was my stepmom for God's sake! Why the hell did she act like this was some fun game watching me giving her any sort of recognition?_

_"Umm…" I said rather dumbly, feeling the need to suddenly scratch my head. "I've considered Foreign Languages. Maybe a bit of theater and acting on the side…"_

_She grunted suddenly in disapproval and my mouth nearly fell open. I swear I hate this lady the more she opens that pie hole. As if she had a say in anything I did!_

_"I'd shy from getting yourself too well known in acting…" she smiled, those perfect white teeth glistening in an almost vain light. "Young boys like you are too vulnerable to the temptations of fame." Her hand suddenly stretched out and brushed a strand of hair from my face. "Especially gorgeous boys like you. Always the first to fall…"_

_Okay, that was not cool. I flinched away from her touch, the feeling of it like a jolt of electricity against my skin. This was so wrong…_

_"Umm…yeah," I sighed irritated, quickly turning back to my studies. "Whatever. I'll decide that when the time presents itself I guess."_

_"Why do you act like my opinion isn't important to you?" she asked, her voice textured with a bit of heat. She inched closer._

_"Because it wasn't an opinion," I suddenly retorted, taking off my reading glasses and glaring at her for the millionth time. "It was an order. And I don't take orders from people I don't know-like you."_

_She smiled again and moved even closer. What the hell was she trying to do? Act like mommy all the sudden? She wrapped an arm around my shoulders._

_"Well then we should get to know each other better…"_

_The way she said that…I don't know. It wasn't right. I tried to pull away, so uncomfortable I could feel my skin peel from her scorching flesh. But she only pulled me closer. "A lot better…"_

_And that's how hell began…_

**REVIEWS=UPDATES :)**


	2. Crimson

**Wow! Thanks all for the awesome responses! You guys really inspired me to keep going with this! **

**So a little update on me…I applied for an internship position with TigerBeat and BOP magazine today. I'm PRAYING I'll get this so cross your fingers guys! Also I'm going to NYC this weekend to see Big Time Rush perform! It's an 8 hour drive for me, but HECK it's worth it! My manager is trying to get me an interview with BTR as well so I'm really hoping their publicist will contact us back.**

**ANYWAYS…**

**This chapter is starting a bit later in time. Hopefully you guys don't get lost! I'm planning to be going back and forth in time as the story goes on. It'll draw out the tension and hopefully always leave you guys on a cliffhanger! This chapter my also seem a bit vague, but it's in Carlos' point of view and I wanted to draw attention to the emotional shock he's going through. I especially LOVE this chapter! It really hits you :)**

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CARLOS' POV

I stood in the shower, soaked to the skin, watching the EMTs labor anxiously on James. Never thought I'd see my best friend sprawled out on the floor, his life draining away, staining everything crimson red. I remember when I'd walked into the bathroom just a few moments ago. That image of him crudely bent against the shower wall...I forgot to breathe. There were deep gashes in his arms, blood dribbling down his skin, the offending weapon still clenched in his pale fingertips. I remember the way the razor sang as the water hit it...

I watched them check James' vitals and evaluate his wounds. Never seen so much blood…

Someone was talking to me, but I guess I was too caught up in the moment to understand. I finally looked to my right and saw a man with auburn hair looking back at me expectantly through deep blue eyes.

"Huh?" I stammered out, my voice hardly having anything left of it, my lips forming around the word like it was foreign.

"Has he been taking anything?" the man pressed, the question critical.

I could see the EMT's lips moving, but couldn't seem to match it to the sound. It was like one of those foreign Chinese movies James and I used to watch. It took me a moment for the words to line up coherently in my mind. "I…I really…" I fumbled, my voice slurring, "I really don't know."

My mind was having a panic attack. I wanted to scream "_What the hell is taking you so long?_" It felt like time had stopped. I felt like I couldn't breathe. Like James.

Sensory memories bombard me-the sound of my heart hammering offensively in my head; the gleam of light off the stethoscope pressed to my friends chest; the intense aroma of soap; wet clothes clinging to my skin from the steam; the salty taste of my own tears…

The snapping of the stretcher being lifted to its utmost height captured my interest suddenly and I spun around.

"Where are you taking him?" I cry almost indignantly, my mind still unable to register everything.

"Wake Hospital," one EMT replied, throwing the words over his shoulder as he concentrated more on fastening James to the stretcher. He tightens the last strap, and turns to me. I suddenly realize-I'm still standing in the shower, unable to move. "Son, you can come with us if you want."

I still don't move, just watch them deftly in silence as they finish in the bathroom, gathering their things…

Then all goes quiet and they're gone. I could hear them heading down the stairs-one of them was reporting the situation on a radio, but I couldn't understand what they were saying. It's all a blur now. The voices trail off as they head for the front door.

"Wait," I suddenly piped dumbly, thinking I yelled it, but really it only came out in a low whisper. I jump from the shower, running down the hall to the stairs.

"Wait!" I screamed this time, hurtling down the steps three at a time. When I burst into the foyer, I could see them heading towards the ambulance parked along the curb in front of their house. The flashing lights and noise had already attracted some neighbors.

_What if he dies?_ The question suddenly popped unbidden into my head and I try to shake it away. But it lingers, and I realize that's really why I'm racing after them…

I can't let James die alone…

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**Would love to know your thoughts and how you think this is coming!**


	3. Shady

**Hey ya'll! So it's nearing that time…yep my NYC trip to see BTR in concert! I'm so excited I don't know what to do with myself. OK, check this out too. My manager Tim just got a phone call from…CARLOS! YES! I'm not joking. One of our team from (did I mention I'm their graphic designer and unofficial…well everything else. I do pretty much everything from posting updates to doing BTR interviews) is in NYC right now and she got to meet up with Carlos and BTR and asked if he would call Tim (because you know Carlos tweets about how much he loves our site all the time). He did! Carlos has to be the coolest person EVER. That was so awesome of him! **

**Anyways to the story. ENJOY!**

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NARRATOR POV

_Hospital_. Those bleach white rooms a chasm of so many different emotions. Tears of joy, tears of pain, tears of grief. A man dies, and even while just a few rooms down a new life is born. Joy and pain coalesce. Miracles, if you believe such things, happen. Hope for that miracle fades…

A man and his wife, wearing their worry like a yoke around their necks, tension still at bay-round the corner in a hallway lit so bright it almost stings. The man holds his wife's hand tightly, as if it's the only thing keeping them both from crumbling into dust.

_Tell me,_ he keeps begging. _Tell me it's all a terrible mistake…_

A raven-haired young man, weighed down by the grief he's been bearing alone for hours, rises to meet them. The woman, his friends' late stepmother, grasps his arm and looks gravely into his eyes.

_How could this have happened?_ she gasps. _James wouldn't do this…There must be some mistake…_

But the boy shakes his head. He doesn't have the words to take that look from her eyes. All he has is the truth, but sometimes the truth hurts too much to admit…

And meanwhile in a room not far from where they wait, another young man, too young to be under such depression, bruised to the extent he no longer wants life-opens his eyes long before anyone expects. He's disoriented at first, but then the soft, steady beeping cuts through the forces attacking his mind and confirms for him the terrible truth.

He's still alive.

CARLOS' POV

Feels like a lifetime. Everyone knows what happened. James already opened his eyes once and found the experience traumatic. Phrases like "possible brain damage" and "catastrophic blood loss" scrape across my mind like shriveled leaves as I sit in his room, watching him sleep. If only sleep will carry him away from whatever demons that may be battling in his head. If only I knew what those demons were…

_"Too soon to tell," the doctor says mildly when I ask about James. "We're monitoring him…"_

"How is he?" a sudden voice to my immediate right asks. I turn from James' sleeping form to the sound, and my eye catches the ray of sun glinting off a triangle of shiny metal. Wake PD. A dark uniform and polished belt, a 40 caliber resting easily on her right hip instantly proves itself to be Elaine, James' stepmom.

I smile at her and shake my head, still unable to accept the fact that my friend, my _best_ friend, tried to commit suicide. Somehow reality just refuses to admit itself. Part of me wants to know what happened-what made James so miserable that life itself becomes nothing but a word. But then part of me just wants to pretend like none of this happened. I just want everything to go on as it always had.

I see concern, even in his stepmother's stoic face. It's comforting to know she cares. You'd never think beneath her observant gaze and hard, emotionless countenance that she'd be anything but loving. She's only been part of the Diamond family for little over two years. I've gotten to know her well over this past year since James' mom died. I find myself spending more time at James' house than my own. He's like a brother to me. But though Elaine's job is grueling and need I admit dangerous, she still makes time for her family. Especially James. But God knows he needs it the most…

"I thought you were on patrol?" I ask only to ease the quite tension of that uncomfortably white room.

She gives a slight grin, and rests herself against the doorframe. Brushing a loose strand of black hair into her crudely pulled bun, she finally crosses her arms and looks at me with those intense brown eyes.

"Lincoln let me go for the day," she stated bluntly. "Said I might need some time off."

I nodded, noticing her sunken face and dark bags under her eyes. She looks terrible.

"He's right," I don't hesitate to say.

"I tried to tell him I'm fine," she sighs, her shiny boots squeaking on the floor as she shifts about. "But he insisted that I at least take the day off."

Then she for a moment pauses and studies me. I realize as her eyes soften that I probably don't look any better. I hadn't even glimpsed at myself in the last fourty-two hours. I probably look like shit. I was still in those same clothes I'd worn a few mornings ago as I stood in the shower, water clinging to my body, just like I'd clung to James as I screamed for help. I look down at my phone. It has a jagged crack down the center from when it'd fallen from my pocket as I raced to his aid. Broken into pieces. Broken like James. Broken like me. Broken like my life. I hadn't ate. I couldn't. I hadn't slept. I couldn't. I couldn't even close my eyes. I didn't want to. My friend needed me…and I needed him.

"You son, need some _rest_," Elaine says, suddenly appearing at my side. "Why don't you go to the lounge and see if you can sleep a few winks. Mr. Diamond's over there. If anything see if he'll take you home for a little while. I'll stay with James."

I sigh and hang my head, knowing she's right. I nod and stand trembling to my feet.

"Alright. But call me if anything happens…"

I reach the door and take one last look at James, then wearily make my way down the hall.

_James needs you Carlos…your friend needs you!_

Voices keep screaming in my head as I draw farther and farther away. Somehow I feel this is a bad idea. My feet keep dragging, as if something is pulling back to that room.

_Your friend needs you…_

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**Reviews would be SO AWESOME! I friggin LOVE you guys!**


	4. Paper Tiger

**Author's Chapter Notes:**

**I'm back! Yes I have finally got together yet another chappy for ya. This sheds a bit of light on what's been going on with James and Elaine. You kinda see the tension here and the reason why James' bound to her. We're going back to the prologue and what exactly happened…**

**OK so I'm leaving for NYC tomorrow at 4am! 9 hour drive. PRAY I stay awake! I plan to meet with some of my buddies from twitter at the hotel BTR is staying at. I'm making a videolog of my whole experience so I'll make sure to post it here when it's up on youtube! So this'll probably be the last update I do for a few days. Depending on how much time I have. If you'd like to keep up with me you can always follow me on twitter minimejonas**

**Also LOVE the comments from last chapter guys! YOU ARE AWESOME!**

**WARNING: This chapter does contain rape. It's not too graphic, that's not how I like to write. But thought you all should know!**

**Enjoy!**

_This might hurt, it's not safe,  
But I know that I've got to make a change.  
I don't care if I break  
'least I'll be feeling something.  
Cause just okay's not enough,  
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life…_

The Motions~ Matthew West

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JAMES' POV

Death. A word used too harshly. Really think about it. What's death's purpose other than to rescue us from our troubles? Is it really there to scare us? Why be scared? And yet, subconsciously we still feel the world is holding for us some paradise. It's like we kid ourselves when we know the only true paradise is in our hearts. That's why love is so precious. Sometimes it's the only thing we have to wall away our cruel reality.

But as I stood in front of the bathroom sink, a razor held to my arm, I realized I no longer knew what love was. I didn't have anything to erase my dim world. Nothing to take away her touch, those memories branded on my skin like a disease forever. And I could never make it go away. Never. My stepmom knew she was killing me. Every time I cringed away from her, she only got more aggressive. And she enjoyed it.

I no longer know what love is...it died like the rest of me…

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_"We should get to know each other better…"_

_The way she said that…I don't know. It wasn't right. I'm so uncomfortable I can feel my skin peel from her scorching flesh. But she only pulls me closer. "A lot better…"_

_I shy away, now not only irritated but furious by her act. I can't make any sense of this other than she's high on something and totally oblivious to what she's doing._

_"Elaine, can you just back up some please…" I retort as I spread my hands against her arms, hoping she'll loosen her grip, swallowing down my complete disgust of her._

_Apparently that isn't enough because it only prompts her to pull me in closer. I can smell everything on her now. Some semi-sweet body spray, dry sweat from a jog down Wayside, the rich texture of coffee still clinging to her breath._

_Both her hands lock around me and I find myself squirming. Then her neck twists around somehow and she looks me straight in the eyes. I hesitate but finally give into her beckoning gaze and I'm met with those hollow, dead orbs._

_"Just because I'm your stepmom doesn't mean I can't touch you," she jeers at me. I can tell she's irritated as her eyes darken._

_I flinch at those words, the cold venom behind them. I shove her, desperate to keep some clearance between us. _

_"Yeah," I snap, her grasp slowly loosens at my sudden outburst. "But considering I don't know you well-this is awkward and to be perfectly honest kinda creepy…"_

_My whole body suddenly tenses as I feel her warm breath on my neck. She slowly lifts her lips to my ear and whispers, "I can change that…" Her hands flee from my shoulders down the buttons of my shirt. Then her fingers grasp one and flick it open. I flinch, and suddenly on cue she lashes her hands out and forces my lips to hers. _

_For a moment I'm stunned. My whole body goes limp, as if I where chained to the walls of a bad dream. Only the taste of bad coffee and smell of cigarettes reels my mind back to the present, and I snap out of my trance. I furiously jump from the bed and gape at her. What the shit is she trying? That little seductive smile playing across her face casts a new light on my stepmom, and I find myself drawing farther away. My heart jumps about in my chest dangerously._

_"What the HELL?" I scream at her, the realization of what the slut had tried choking me. My hand subconsciously wipes my mouth, desperate to be rid of her awful touch stained there. I hear her chuckle, a low rumble that seems to roll from her lips like distant thunder._

_"Aww…scared to have a bit of fun, James?" she mocks, seeing me tremble and stumble over myself in my haste to move from her shadow. She stands from my bed and moves toward me. Fear instantly creeps across my skin, and I stagger back further._

_"Get away from me…" I hiss through clenched teeth, silently cursing the pleading in my voice._

_Her eyes spark a new glow. Only it's different. Unnatural. My breath hitches in my throat for some reason as I gaze into her hollow orbs._

_Shit I'm scared._

_"I can't do that…" she admits with a sugar-laced grin, her eyes hinting her purpose as she looks me over._

_I'm grabbed suddenly, and before I have time to even consider defending myself I'm thrown onto the bed, my head smashing against the wooden edge. The wave of pain rushing through my body is unreal as darkness frames my conscious. The air is knocked from me and I can't breathe. I opened my eyes and she's on top of me, straddling my body still with her legs, her hands wrenching mine above my head. I hear a metallic click, click click, and something cold is forced around my wrists. I panic and begin wrestling and struggling against her, knowing her intent. _

_"No…no stop! Get off me! STOP!" I scream, knowing it's the only thing I could do now to save myself._

_I feel a fist collide with my jaw and I give a sharp yelp as my face instantly swells with heat. My hands are numb now. I can feel the blood trickle down my arms as the cuffs dig into my wrists. The pillows ands sheets are so soft. But I see them as a trap, clinging to me, warm and inviting. Urging me to just let go…relax. I want to so bad. But instead I struggle. I'd give that bitch all the hell if I had to._

_A sharp tug on my chest and I watch helplessly as she rips my shirt open. I look up at her and see her squinting down on me with those livid black eyes, so dark they appear dead. A wave of nausea flows through me and the acidic taste of bile rises in my throat._

_A hand suddenly reaches out from the shadows and grabs my hair, wrenching my head down so the pain will hamper my ability to move. I feel a scream hiss through my clenched teeth as I fight insanity, my body still refusing to accept my complete vulnerability. I strain my body, imagining myself in a tiny box, unable to move, the air becoming thicker as my lungs struggle for air…_

_"Relax boy!" she snaps, intensifying her brutal hold on me._

_I still wrestle with my bonds, trying not to let growing fatigue stop me. Only I slowly begin to loose strength. I can't believe this is happening…_

_Her other hand reaches out and trails my jaw. Then it moves down my neck and chest…_

_"I swear I'll tell them! I'll tell them you raped m-"_

_I cringe back as her hand suddenly clamps over my mouth, her nails biting into my flesh. I try to struggle away but she only digs my head into the pillow so I'm forced to stare up into her livid eyes. She leans in._

_"You will shut that damn mouth! Do you hear me?" she roars in my face. Then she lets go of me and leans in further. Her lips linger near mine and I strain my head to the side to evade that kiss I know she'll plant there. But instead I feel her breath as she opens her mouth to whisper. "Because if you don't…" her face suddenly looks to the door behind her and she smiles. "…I might just have to use your little friend instead. He would be so much easier. Carlos's so naive, so vulnerable…"_

_I feel rage rip through my body and I clam my hands into fists._

_"Don't you dare touch him!" I cry, fear suddenly washing over me like cold water. "You sick bastard!..." but her hand clamps over my mouth before I can say anything more._

_"Don't matter. I will hurt him James if you don't do as I say," she states as her other hand begins to finger with the button on my jeans. I immediately begin to panic and squirm, but I'm only rewarded with a fierce backhand across my face. I'm forced to lay there, tears lining my eyes in defeat, not even feeling the pain anymore. I know now that I'm forced into this. For Carlos...I'm doing this for him. "If you don't want this to happen to him then I suggest you enjoy this."_

_She removes her black top suddenly and I squeeze my eyes shut, whimpering back sobs as hot tears shed across my cheeks._

_"No…" I gasp, the word carried out on a sob that stole the last of my breath, my lungs burning. "No…no…no…please…"_

_Fear rushes through my body like cancer, resting on my bones and holding me captive._

_Love is only a word. And that word to me is everything but sweet. It's bitter. And I've learned it hurts. It hurts like hell._

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**REVIEW PLEASE!**


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